So I didn’t make any official statement about Sam Pepper until today because I had a feeling that he was up to what I refer to as “shenanigans.” I figured that if I posted something and then he threw a curve ball, it would make whatever I said feel empty because it would have been condemning him…
“When I was 12 boys slid their hand up my thigh and slapped my butt. I smiled and took it because I didn’t know it was okay to say stop. I didn’t know that I could say no. So, when the principal calls telling me my daughter is suspended for punching a boy who wouldn’t stop touching her, I will cook her favorite meals. When she tells me how she cursed at the boy who wouldn’t move his hands off her knee even though she asked him to, I will smile and pull out her favorite movie to watch together. I will celebrate the fact that she accepts her body as her own and knows she has the right to say no. I never want my daughter to think her body belongs to men, because it is her own and my god should she be proud. I will teach her it’s more than okay to say stop, something I wish I had known when I was that age.”—
I’ve become pretty disillusioned with the idea of love.
I know that I’m partially at fault (okay, probably mainly) for my lack of companionship. I hate the idea of dating. It’s something I’ve never been comfortable with. I’m that girl from the match.com commercials who prefers meeting someone by chance instead of fixed arrangements and the host asks, “So how many good guys have you met that way?”
So no, the chances aren’t high of actually meeting someone organically in a non-date setting who is attractive enough to date in the future.
But there’s something so artificial about the whole dating procedure that I don’t like. I don’t like the superficiality it creates with the flirting and the “I wonder if he likes me enough for a second date” or “I don’t think we’re compatible at all.” I don’t flirt, I don’t like it, I’m not comfortable with it. Whenever men try to engage me into a flirting match, I decline with a not-so-attractive giggle and non-sequitur to guide the conversation elsewhere.
I like conversation. I like talking to someone and actually getting to know him, not worrying about how what he likes or doesn’t like will affect me and our future children.
I met someone while I was on vacation in Portland. We hit it off really well. I was only in Portland for four days so I wasn’t looking for a relationship. He and I had mutual friends who invited him out with us. Throughout the night, I became more and more attracted to him, and he to me. Again, we both were not looking for a relationship and it looked like my four-day weekend might end up even better than expected.
Long story short, that crashed and burned because he screwed up badly in ways we don’t need to get into.
But for the short time where we actually had a connection, I loved it. We weren’t flirting—we didn’t flirt the entire night. Because it was just a group of friends together, it was comfortable and there was no pressure of trying to look pretty enough that he’d want to take me home with him. I learned a lot about him and would have loved to learn more.
But he’s just an example of what I mean. I had a connection with someone that came about organically, not because we got put into a situation where we were told to look pretty and make nice. We started off strangers to acquaintances to I-could-definitely-go-home-with-him-and-he-definitely-wants-to-take-me-home to oh-he-fucked-up to strangers again. We texted a bit after the whole weekend but again, I was only in Portland for four days so that was most likely the last of our contact.
I like being eased into a situation. Every boy or man I’ve been attracted to has been someone who was a friend who I started seeing differently. I don’t do love at first sight. I don’t even do attraction at first sight. Of course I find men good-looking, but I don’t believe there’s actually any attraction until you get to know someone. Personality is a huge deal. I can see that someone is objectively good-looking, but if his personality is a dud, then I’m not physically attracted. There has to be something to draw me to you, and it’s something that I think is tough to get on a blind date or a first date that has been set up without getting to know the person before.
I don’t know. I don’t really know what the point of this was. I guess Portland guy did a number on me. But the guys I fall for tend to do that. I’m just a huge mess trying to sort myself out.
That time you had a hookup and then through unfortunate circumstances didn’t get it in the first night, and now it’s the third night of your four-day weekend, and the one person in your group who knows said hookup refuses to give you his number.